I struggle with depression.
Some days I wake up (which is usually at 5am because I have to go to work) and I don't want to move. I just want to lay in bed all day and just forgo all of my responsibilities and be nobody. There are days when no matter what I do, no matter who I'm with, it's just a shitty day because my brain has decided it is and I just want to disappear from existence.
But despite all this, I get up out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, put on a smile, and try to be a productive member of society. It sucks. Like some days it's so hard and mentally draining to try and be this upbeat person that everyone expects me to be. Even when I'm at Versus, playing Smash and commentating, something that I love doing with all of my heart, it is just so hard to be there or get on the mic and try to be this high energy, likable person for the crowd.
Now I don't always feel like this. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I don't feel like this at all for weeks and months at a time. Even over the past few months I've been in a pretty good place, mentally and physically. I have a great job, I'm doing well in school, even my "Smash Career" (and I use those words very lightly) seems to be going well enough. But even still, some days and weeks I'm just this depressed person that nothing matters. And I hate it, I wish I was normal. I wish my brain functioned normally. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just want to be regular guy who just goes through life, that's not so hard to ask right?
Now that past week I've been feeling a bit depressed. Just came out of nowhere because I thought I was doing ok. CEO was so good, and I'll be at EVO very soon. But I'm still a bit down. Forever will I continue to be overlooked because I am too nice and too genuine. If had a dollar every time I've been told how nice of a person I am, I'd be a rich man. But people don't want the nice guy unfortunately, and that sucks...a lot.
But I can't change who I am. I will forever go along being nice, being caring, being the Jon Viveros that all of you know and hopefully love.
And one day, I'll have my day, find the person I'm looking for and be truly happy...If only I believed that and it was true.
